Types of
marriageThe type and functions of marriage vary
from culture to culture. In the United States, Europe, India and China in
the early 21st century, legally sanctioned marriages are monogamous
(although some pockets of society still sanction polygamy socially, if not
legally) and divorce is relatively simple and socially sanctioned. In the
West, the prevailing view toward marriage today is that it is based on
emotional attachment between the partners and entered into
voluntarily.
In the Islamic world, marriage is sanctioned between a
man and a woman, however there are verses in chapter 4 of the Qur'an which
state that in certain conditions a man is allowed up to four wives. In
Imperial China, formal marriage was sanctioned only between a man and a
woman, although a man could take several concubines and the children from
the union were considered legitimate.
Some societies permitted
polygamy, in which a man could have multiple wives; even in such societies
however, most men have only one. In such societies, having multiple wives
is generally considered a sign of wealth and power. The status of multiple
wives has varied from one society to another. In Islamic societies, the
different wives were considered equal while in Imperial China, one woman
was considered the primary wife while the other women were considered
concubines. Among the upper classes, the primary wife was an arranged
marriage with an elaborate formal ceremony while the concubines were taken
on later with minimal ceremony.
There are also many monogamous
societies, where a marriage consists of only two people, a very few
polyandrous, where a woman could have multiple husbands. Societies which
permit group marriage are extremely rare, but have existed in utopian
societies such as the Oneida Community.
However, in 21st century
Western cultures, while bigamy is illegal and sexual relations outside
marriage are generally frowned-upon, divorce and remarriage have been
relatively easy to undertake. This has led to a practice which some have
called serial monogamy. In particular, some have argued that the pattern
of the rich divorcing their first wives and then taking on a trophy wife
is similar to patterns of polygamy in other societies.
Legally
sanctioned marriages are generally conducted between heterosexual couples,
although there are countries that recognize same-sex marriage, including
The Netherlands, Belgium, Canada, the American state of Massachusetts.
Denmark, Norway, Sweden, Finland, Greenland, Iceland, Germany, France, and
the American state of Vermont allow couples to enter legal partnerships,
but these partnerships are not considered marriages even if they bestow
many of the same legal benefits upon the couple.
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Recognition
Couples usually seek social sanction for their marriages, and most
societies require official approval of a religious or civil body.
Sociologists thus distinguish between a marriage ceremony conducted under
the auspices of a religion and a state-sanctioned civil
marriage.
In many jurisdictions the civil marriage ceremony may
take place during the religious marriage ceremony, although they are two
distinct entities. In most American states the marriage may be officiated
by a priest, minister, or religious authority, and in such a case the
religious authority acts simultaneously as a religious authority and an
agent of the state. In some countries such as France and Russia, it is
necessary to be married by the state before having a religious ceremony.
Some states allow civil marriages which are not allowed by many religions,
such as same-sex marriages or civil unions, and marriage may also be
created by the operation of the law alone as in common-law marriage, which
is a judicial recognition that two people living as domestic partners are
entitled to the effects of marriage. Conversely, there are examples of
people who have a religious ceremony which is not recognized civilly.
Examples include widows who stand to lose a pension if they remarry and so
undergo a marriage in the eyes of God, homosexual couples, some breakaway
sects of Mormonism which recognize polygamy, retired couples that would
lose pension benefits if legally married, Islamic men who wish to engage
in polygamy that is condoned in some situations under Islam and immigrants
who do not wish to alert to the immigration authorities that they are
married either to a spouse they are leaving behind or because of the
complexity of immigration laws that may make it difficult for spouses to
visit on a tourist visa.
In Europe it has tradionally been the
churches' office to make marriages official by registering them. Hence, it
was a significant step towards a clear separation of church and state and
also an intended and effective weakening of the Christian churches' role
in Germany, when Chancellor Otto von Bismarck introduced the Zivilehe
(civil marriage) in the 1890s. This law made the declaration of the
marriage before an official clerk of the civil administration (both
spouses affirming their will to marry) the procedure to make a marriage
legally valid and effective, and reduced the clerical marriage to a mere
private ceremony.
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Rights and
obligations
Typically, marriage is the
institution through which people join together their lives in emotional
and economic ways through forming a household. It often confers rights and
obligations with respect to raising children, holding property, sexual
behaviour, kinship ties, tribal membership, relationship to society,
inheritance, emotional intimacy, and love.
Marriage sometimes:
establishes the legal father of a woman's child; establishes the legal
mother of a man's child; gives the husband or his family control over the
wife's sexual services, labor, and/or property; gives the wife or her
family control over the husband's sexual services, labor, and/or property;
establishes a joint fund of property for the benefit of children;
establishes a relationship between the families of the husband and wife.
No society does all of these; no one of these is universal (see Edmund
Leach's article in "Marriage, Family, and Residence," edited by Paul
Bohannan and John Middleton).
Marriage has traditionally been a
prerequisite for starting a family, which usually serves as the building
block of a community and society. Thus, marriage not only serves the
interests of the two individuals, but also the interests of their children
and the society of which they are a part.
In the Jewish, Muslim or
Christian world, marriage is traditionally a prerequisite for sexual
intercourse: unmarried people are not supposed to have sex, which is then
called fornication and is socially discouraged or even criminalized. Sex
with a person other than one's spouse, called adultery, is even less
acceptable and has also often been criminalized, especially in the case of
a woman. Finally, in many cultures, it is assumed that in agreeing to
marry the wife permanently consents sexually so that spousal rape is a
conceptual impossibility.
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Marriage restrictions
Societies have always placed restrictions on marriage to relatives,
though the degree of prohibited relationship varies widely. In almost all
societies marriage between brothers and sisters is forbidden, with Ancient
Egyptian royalty being the rare exception. In many societies marriage
between some first cousins is preferred, while at the other extreme, the
medieval Catholic church prohibited marriage between distant cousins. The
present day Catholic Church still maintains a standard of required
distance (in both consanguinity and affinity) for marriage. Many societies
have also adopted other restrictions on whom one can marry, such as
prohibitions on marrying persons with the same surname, or persons with
the same sacred animal.
Anthropologists refer to these sort of
restrictions as exogamy. One exception to this pattern is in ancient
Egypt, where marriage between brothers and sisters was permitted in the
royal family; this privilege was denied commoners and may have served to
concentrate wealth and power in one family (See also incest). The
consequence of the incest-taboo is exogamy, the requirement to marry
someone from another group. Anthropologists have thus pointed out that the
incest taboo may serve to promote social solidarity.
Societies have
also at times required marriage from within a certain group.
Anthropologists refer to these restrictions as endogamy. An example of
such restrictions would be a requirement to marry someone from the same
tribe. Racist laws adopted by some societies in the past to prohibit
marriage of persons of different races, or miscegenation, could also be
considered examples of endogamy.
As tolerance of open homosexuality
has become more widespread in Western cultures, some governments have
recognized a right to marriage by people of the same sex. This has in turn
created a backlash, most notably in the United States, where several
states have specifically outlawed gay marriage, often by popular
referenda. At the federal level, the Defense of Marriage Act has created a
federal definition of marriage as between a man and a woman as well as
allowing one state to not recognize a same sex marriage recognized by
another state. Many people, including President George W. Bush, advocate
amending the Federal Constitution to prohibit same-sex
marriages.
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Termination
Many societies provide for the termination of marriage through
divorce. Marriages can also be annulled, which is a legal proceeding that
establishes that a marriage was invalid from its
beginning.
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Weddings
The
ceremony in which a marriage is enacted and announced to the community is
called a wedding. A wedding in which a couple marry in the' eyes of the
law' is called a civil marriage. Religions also facilitate weddings, in
the 'eyes of God.' In many European and some Latin American countries,
where someone chooses a religious ceremony, they must also hold that
ceremony separate from the civil ceremony. In some countries, notably the
United States, the United Kingdom, the Republic of Ireland and Spain both
ceremonies can be held together; the officiant at the religious and
community ceremony also serves as an agent of the state to enact the civil
marriage. That does not mean that the state is recognising religious
marriages; the 'civil' ceremony just takes place at the same time as the
religious ceremony. Often this involves simply signing a register during
the religious ceremony. If for whatever reason, that civil element of the
full ceremony is left out, in the eyes of the law no marriage took place,
irrespective of the holding of the religious ceremony.
The way in
which a marriage is enacted has changed over time, as has the institution
of marriage itself. In Europe during the Middle Ages, marriage was enacted
by the couple promising verbally to each other that they would be married
to each other. This promise was known as the verbum. As part of the
Reformation, the role of recording marriages and setting the rules for
marriage passed to the state. By the 1600s many of the Protestant European
countries had heavy state involvement in marriage.
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Marriage and religion
Main article: Religious aspects of marriage
Many religions
have extensive teachings regarding marriage. Most Christian churches give
some form of blessing to a marriage; the wedding ceremony typically
includes some sort of pledge by the community to support the couple's
relationship. In the Eastern Orthodox church, it is one of the Mysteries,
and is seen as an ordination and a martyrdom. In marriage, Christians see
a picture of the relationship between Jesus and the Church. In Judaism,
marriage is viewed as a coming together of two families, therefore
prolonging the religion and cultural heritage of the Jewish people. Islam
also recommends marriage highly; among other things, it helps in the
pursuit of spiritual perfection. Hinduism sees marriage as a sacred duty
that entails both religious and social obligations. By contrast, Buddhism
does not encourage or discourage marriage, although it does teach how one
might live a happily married life.
It is also worth noting that
different religions have different beliefs as regards the breakup of
marriage. For example, the Roman Catholic Church does not permit divorce,
because in its eyes, a marriage is forged by God. The Church states that
what God joins together, humans cannot sunder. As a result, people who get
a civil divorce are still considered married in the eyes of the Catholic
Church, which does not allow them to remarry, even if they are allowed a
civil marriage. In some special cases, however, Catholics can be permitted
an annulment. With a nullity, religions and the state often apply
different rules, meaning that a couple, for example, could receive a
divorce from the state and not have their marriage annulled by the
Catholic Church because the state disagrees with the church over whether
an annulment could be granted in a particular case. This produces the
phenomenon of Catholics getting Church annulments simultaneously with
state divorces, allowing the ex-partners to marry other people in the eyes
of both the Church and the State.
Islam does allow divorce;
however, there is a verse stated in the Qur'an describing divorce as the
least desirable act allowed between people. The general rule is for a man
to allow his wife to stay until the end of her menstrual period or for 3
months if she so wishes after the divorce. During this period they would
be divorced in that they would simply be living under the same roof but
not functioning as man and wife. The Qur'an scholars suggest that the main
point is to prevent any decisions by the woman from being affected by
hormonal fluctuations as well as to allow any heated arguments or
differences to be resolved in a civil manner before the marriage is
completely terminated. However, there is no obligation on the woman to
stay, if she so wishes she may leave. The man is also obligated to give
his wife a gift or monetary sum equivalent to at least half her mahr (gift
or monetary sum which is given to the wife at the commencement of the
marriage). Specific conditions as to how a divorce is conducted also apply
if a woman is pregnant, or has given birth just prior to the
divorce.
refer Qur'an 2:228-232, 236, 237, 241 and 65:1-7. See also
4:35.
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Marriage and
economics
The economics of marriage have
changed over time. Historically, in many cultures the family of the bride
had to provide a dowry to pay a man for marrying their daughter. In other
cultures, the family of the groom had to pay a bride price to the bride's
family for the right to marry the daughter. In some cultures, dowries and
bride prices are still demanded today. In both cases, the financial
transaction takes place between the groom (or his family) and the bride's
family; the bride has no part in the transaction and often no choice in
whether to participate in the marriage.
In many modern legal
systems, two people who marry have the choice between keeping their
property separate or combining their property. In the latter case, called
community property, when the marriage ends by divorce each owns half; if
one partner dies the surviving partner owns half and for the other half
inheritance rules apply.
The respective maintenance obligations,
during and eventually after a marriage, are regulated in most
jurisdictions; see alimony.
It is possible to analyze the
institution of marriage using economic theory; see David Friedman, Price
Theory: Chapter 21: The Economics of Love and Marriage
(http://www.best.com/~ddfr/Academic/Price_Theory/PThy_Chapter_21/PThy_Chap_21.html).
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Criticisms of
marriage
Under the principle of church-state
separation, libertarians criticize the government regulation of and the
state's involvement in marriage, because many now consider marriage a
religious institution. The libertarian view is that if government must
recognize marriage at all, it should be treated as a contract like any
other between two freely consenting parties, which would essentially
reduce family law to a subset of contract law. The religious aspects
should remain the province of one's church and that church's
ecclesiastical courts (if it has them). Relatively new legal developments
like palimony have already tilted certain governments slightly in this
direction.
Other commentators have argued that marriage has a
significant dark side, sometimes condemning individual local practices and
sometimes even the entire institution of marriage. A good many of these
are feminist critiques, which claim that in many cultures marriage is
particularly disadvantageous to women.
In many areas of the world,
when a woman was in her early teens her father arranged a marriage for her
in return for a brideprice, sometimes to a man twice her age who was a
stranger to her. Her older husband then became her guardian and she could
be cut off almost completely from her family. The woman had little or no
say in the marriage negotiations, which might even have occurred without
her knowledge.
Some traditions allowed a woman who failed to bear a
son to be given back to her father. This reflected the importance of
bearing children and extending the family to succeeding
generations.
Often both parties are expected to be virgins before
their marriage, but in many cultures women were more strictly held to this
standard. One old tradition in Europe, which survived into the twentieth
century in rural Greece, was for this to be proven by hanging the bloody
bed sheet from the wedding night from the side of the house. Similarly,
sexual fidelity is very often expected in marriage, but sometimes the
expectations and penalties for women have been harsher than those for
men.
In some traditions marriage could be a traumatic, unpleasant
turn of events for a girl. "The Lot of Women" written in Athens in the mid
5th century BC laments this situation:
Young women, in my opinion,
have the sweetest existence known to mortals in their father's homes, for
their innocence always keeps children safe and happy. But when we reach
puberty and can understand, we are thrust out and sold away from our
ancestral gods and from our parents. Some go to strange men's homes,
others to foreigner's, some to joyless houses, some to hostile. And all
this once the first night has yoked us to our husband we are forced to
praise and say that all is well.
On the other hand, marriage has often
served to assure the woman of her husband's continued support and enabled
her to focus more attention on the raising of her children. This security
has typically been greater when and where divorce has been more difficult
to obtain.
Some older wedding traditions still survive in some form
in today's ceremonies. Women may still be symbolically "given away" by
their fathers. Some brides still vow to "love and obey" their husbands and
some bridegrooms vow to "care for" their wives. A groom might remove his
bride's garter, a symbol of her virginity, as a public representation of
his claim on her sexuality. Brides toss their bouquets towards a group of
single women, who compete to catch the bouquet; the woman who catches the
bouquet is believed to have the good fortune to be the next woman to get
married.
One very common tradition is that of the groom carrying
the bride over the threshold of their house. Investigating the origin of
this tradition around 100 AD, Plutarch postulated three different
possibilities. The first was that the act of picking up the bride was a
symbolic re-enactment of the Rape of the Sabines. Another was that it
symbolized the bride's reluctance to surrender her virginity, which she
did only under duress. And the last suggested marital faithfulness -
having been carried into the house by her husband she would only leave it
the same way. This of course was in the context of a patriarchal culture
in which it was said that a woman should only leave her house when she was
so old that people would not ask whose wife she was, but whose
mother.
These traditions, though often attacked by critics and
scholars, nevertheless remain a treasured part of many ceremonies,
cherished by both bride and groom
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Marriageable age
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia.
This is a very incomplete
list of ages at which people are allowed to marry in various
countries.
Australia: 18 generally, 16 under special circumstances
with court approval.
Brazil: 18 generally; 16 with parental consent;
unlimited in case of pregnancy; 12 with judicial consent (only to avoid
partner from going to prison as a sex offender)
Canada: 18 generally,
16 with parental consent, 14 with judicial consent.
China (PRC): 22
for males, 20 for females.
France: 18 generally, 15 for females with
parental consent.
Germany: 18 generally, 16 with court consent
(partner must be 18+.)
Hungary: 18, 16 with parental consent
India: 18.
Iran: 15 for males, 13 for females (9 for females
before 2002).
Israel: 17 for females.
Republic of Ireland: 18.
Italy: 18 generally, 16 with permission from the tribunale dei minori.
Japan: 18 for males, 16 for females.
Netherlands: 18 generally, 16
if the female is pregnant or with child.
New Zealand: 20 generally, 16
with previous marriage or with parental consent.
Pakistan : 18 males
15 females.
Philippines: 20 for males, 18 for females, 16 for males
and 14 for females with parental consent.
Romania: 18 generally, 16
for females with parental consent
Senegal: 20 for males, 16 for
females.
South Korea: 18 or 19 generally
United Kingdom: 18
generally, 16 with parental consent.
Scotland: 16.
United States:
Usually 18. Most states, however, allow marriage at a younger age with
parental or judicial consent. Some states allow marriage at a still
younger age if the female is pregnant or with child.
California: 18
generally, unlimited with parental consent.
Florida: 18 generally, 16
with parental consent.
New York: 18 generally, 16 with parental
consent, 14 for males and 13 for females with court permission.
North
Carolina: 18 generally, 16 with parental consent, unlimited in case of
pregnancy or birth of child with parental consent.
Texas: 18
generally, 14 with parental consent, 13 with court permission.
Utah:
18 generally for first marriage, 14 with previous marriage or with
parental consent.
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Relationship in
Marriage
To make our marriages the fulfilling
relationships we all want, we can first start out with a "this
relationship is so important to me that I will do everything I can to make
it work" attitude. Then, with that in place, follow these suggestions:
Talk and listen. Dedicate time, regularly, for a marital checkup.
Take an inventory of where your relationship has been and where you want
it to go, and express your wants and needs.
Nurture each other.
With our busy, stressful midlives, we need our partner's support, caring,
and validation more than ever. Take "small moments" at the start of the
day to ask, "What are you doing today?" or "How are you feeling?" Give
your spouse a kiss, a hug, a mile-wide smile to give him or her that "I'm
special" feeling.
Have fun. To avoid routine and boredom,
brainstorm ways to put adventure, excitement, and surprise into the
marital mix. For example, try creating a kooky recipe together or
exploring a new area of town.
Be flexible and accept. Midlife is a
time for change. Let go of the need to mold your spouse to your ideal and
of the idea that differences are intolerable. Successful couples don't
fuss over the small stuff.
Improve sex and intimacy. Have a Sexual
Review. Talk about how you have both changed and what you want now--and
don't forget to experiment.
Reach out beyond your coupledom. Bring
positive, fun-loving, nurturing people into your lives. Try this: On
paper, make a list of friends and relatives who give you positive, fun,
and supportive feelings. Next, create a wish list of relationships that
you would like but don't have. Now, discuss how to make them happen.
Finally, plan how you will include at least two of these "positive"
individuals in your lives each week.
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Who's Right, Who's
Wrong?
Who's
Right, Who's Wrong?
When we argue, my husband always claims
that he's right and I'm wrong. I tell him that we're each right in
different ways, and that we need to listen to each other's point of view.
How do I deal with this common communication obstacle?
You're right, he's
wrong. Couldn't resist! But seriously, when it comes to communication,
it's absolutely critical that we treat our partner's point of view as
having some merit, even if we don't see it at first.
We've all been
there: fuming in self-righteous indignation, reciting to ourselves the
merits of our position -- while dismissing those of our partner. We know
in intimate detail the validity and wisdom of our own side, and somehow
our partner's doesn't seem as important, essential, valid, practical,
healthy ... you get the picture. Our partner, of course, is doing the same
thing. So guess what? Nothing happens.
As the great chess master
Boris Spassky once said of his relationship with his first wife: "We were
like bishops of a different color." Because the bishops are the pieces
that move along the diagonal, each is confined to one move on the squares
of its own color, white or black. As a result, the bishops never meet.
Partners who don't listen to one another are like bishops of a different
color; they never meet in psychological space.
Which is why rule
number one when it comes to communication is to get beyond "I'm right,
he's wrong." You won't get to first base until you
do.
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Importance of Marriage in
Islam
Allah has created men and women as
company for one another, and so that they can procreate and live in peace
and tranquillity according to the commandments of Allah and the directions
of His Messenger. The Qur'an says:
And among His signs is this,
that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that you may dwell in
tranquillity with them, and He has put love and mercy between your hearts.
Undoubtedly in these are signs for those who reflect. (30:21)
And
Allah has made for you your mates of your own nature, and made for you,
out of them, sons and daughters and grandchildren, and provided for you
sustenance of the best. (16:72)
These verses of the Noble Qur'an
clearly show that in contrast to other religions like Christianity,
Buddhism, Judaism etc. which consider celibacy or monasticism as a great
virtue and a means of salvation, Islam considers marriage as one of the
most virtuous and approved institutions. The Messenger of Allah (peace be
upon him) declared, "There is no monasticism in Islam." He further
ordained,
"O you young men! Whoever is able to marry should marry,
for that will help him to lower his gaze and guard his modesty."
(Al-Bukhari)
Modesty was regarded as a great virtue by the Prophet. He
said, "Modesty is part of faith." (Al-Bukhari)
The importance of the
institution or marriage receives its greatest emphasis from the following
hadith of the Prophet,
"Marriage is my sunna. Whosoever keeps
away from it is not from me."
With these Qur'anic injunctions and the
guidance from the Prophet (peace be upon him) in mind, we shall examine
the institution of marriage in the Shari'ah.
The word zawaj is used in
the Qur'an to signify a pair or a mate. But in common parlance it stands
for marriage. Since the family is the nucleus of Islamic society, and
marriage is the only way to bring families into existence, the Prophet
(peace be upon him) insisted upon his followers entering into marriage The
Shari'ah prescribes rules to regulate the functioning of the family so
that both spouses can live together in love, security, and tranquillity.
Marriage in Islam has aspects of both 'ibadah (worship) of Allah and
mu'amalah (transactions between human beings).
In its 'ibadah
aspect, marriage is an act pleasing to Allah because it is in accordance
with his commandments that husband and wife love each other and help each
other to make efforts to continue the human race and rear and nurse their
children to become true servants of Allah.
In its mu'amalah
aspect, marriage being a lawful response to the basic biological instinct
to have sexual intercourse and to procreate children, the Shari'ah has
prescribed detailed rules for translating this response into a living
human institution reinforced by a whole framework of legally enforceable
rights and duties, not only of the spouses, but also of their
offspring.
These aspects are beautifully explained in a tradition
of the Prophet. It is narrated by Anas that the Messenger of Allah (peace
be upon him) said,
"When a man marries, he has fulfilled half
of his religion, so let him fear Allah regarding the remaining half."
The Prophet considered marriage for a Muslim as half of his religion
because it shields him from promiscuity, adultery, fornication,
homosexuality etc., which ultimately lead to many other evils like
slander, quarreling, homicide, loss of property and disintegration of the
family. According to the Prophet (peace be upon him) the remaining half of
the faith can be saved by taqwa.
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Conditions of
Marriage
Careful consideration of the Qur'anic
injunctions and the traditions of the Prophet (peace be upon him) clearly
show that marriage is compulsory (wajib) for a man who has the means to
easily pay the mahr (dowry) and to support a wife and children, and is
healthy, and fears that if does not marry, he may be tempted to commit
fornication (zina). It is also compulsory for a woman who has no other
means of maintaining herself and who fears that her sexual urge may push
her into fornication. But even for a person who has a strong will to
control his sexual desire, who has no wish to have children, and who feels
that marriage will keep him away from his devotion to Allah, it is
commendable (mandub).
However, according to the Maliki school, under
certain conditions it is obligatory (fard) for a Muslim to marry even if
he is not in a position to earn his living:
If he fears that by
not marrying he will commit fornication (zina).
If he is unable to
fast to control his passions or his fasting does not help him to refrain
from zina.
Even if he is unable to find a slave girl or a destitute
girl to marry.
However some jurists suggest that if a man cannot
procure a lawful livelihood, he must not marry because if he marries
without any hope of getting lawful bread, he may commit theft, and in
order to avoid one evil (his passions) he may become the victim of another
(theft).
The Hanafi school considers marriage as obligatory (fard) for
a man:
If he is sure that he will commit zina if he does not
marry.
If he cannot fast to control his passions or even if he can
fast, his fast does not help him to control his passion.
If he cannot
get a slave-girl to marry.
If he is able to pay the dowry (mahr) and
to earn a lawful livelihood.
Marriage is forbidden (haram) to a man,
according to the Hanafi school, if he does not possess the means to
maintain his wife and children or if he suffers from an illness, serious
enough to affect his wife and progeny.
It is not desirable (makruh) for
a man who possesses no sexual desire at all or who has no love for
children or who is sure to be slackened in his religious obligations as a
result of marriage.
In a beautiful tradition the Prophet (peace be
upon him) has given the most important point that should weigh with every
Muslim in selecting his bride:
"Whoever marries a woman solely
for her power and position, Allah will only increase him in humiliation.
Whoever marries a woman solely for her wealth, Allah will only increase
him in poverty. Whoever marries a woman because of her beauty, Allah will
only increase him in ugliness. But whoever marries a woman in order that
he may restrain his eyes, observe cautiousness, and treat his relations
kindly, Allah puts a blessing in her for him and in him for her."
In
order that problems should not arise after marriage the Prophet (peace be
upon him) recommended that, in the selection of his bride, a man should
see her before betrothal lest blindness of choice or an error of judgment
should defeat the very purpose of marriage. But this "seeing" is not to be
taken as a substitute for the "courtship" of the West. The man should not
gaze passionately at his bride-to-be, but only have a critical look at her
face and hands to acquaint himself with her personality and beauty.
However, if a man so desires, he may appoint a woman to go and interview
the proposed bride, so that she may fully describe the type of girl she
is.
Since believing men and women are referred to in the Qur'an, a
woman also has the right to look at her potential husband.
The
special permission for men and women to see each other with a view to
matrimony does not contravene the code of conduct for believing men and
women to lower their gaze and be modest which is laid down in the Holy
Qur'an.
Ijbar: A Safety Valve
The consent of both
the man and the women is an essential element of marriage, and the Qur'an
gives women a substantial role in choosing their own life partners. It
lays down:
Do not prevent them from marrying their husbands when
they agree between themselves in a lawful manner. (2: 232)
However,
Imam Malik, one of the four great Imams of the Sunni schools of Islamic
jurisprudence, gives a slightly restrictive interpretation to this verse
and makes the choice of partner by a Muslim girl subject to the
over-ruling power or ijbar of her father or guardian in the interests of
the girl herself.
It may sometimes happen that in her immaturity or
over-zealousness, a girl may want to marry a man about whom she has
distorted information or who does not possess good character or who lacks
proper means of livelihood. In such a case, it is better, or rather
incumbent upon the girl's father or guardian, that, in the wider interests
of the girl, he restrains her from marrying such a worthless man and finds
a suitable person to be her husband. Generally speaking, such marriages
arranged by fathers and guardians work better than a marriage brought
about through western courtship.
The case of Abu Juham bin
Hudhaifah and Mu'awiyah ibn Abu Sufyan is relevant here. They proposed
marriage to Fatimah bint Ghaith. The Prophet (peace be upon him) advised
Fatimah not to marry either of them on the grounds that Mu'awiyah was then
a pauper and Abu Juham was cruel and harsh. So she married
Usamah.
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The Free
Consent of the Parties
The Qur'an (4:21) refers to marriage as a
mithaq, i.e. a solemn covenant or agreement between husband and wife, and
enjoins that it be put down in writing. Since no agreement can be reached
between the parties unless they give their consent to it, marriage can be
contracted only with the free consent of the two parties. The Prophet
(peace be upon him) said,
"The widow and the divorced woman shall
not be married until their order is obtained, and the virgin shall not be
married until her consent is obtained." (AlBukhari)
This aspect is
greatly emphasized by Imam Bukhari. He, in fact, gave one of the chapters
in his Sahih the significant title:
"When a man gives his daughter
in marriage and she dislikes it, the marriage shall be annulled." Once a
virgin girl came to the Prophet (peace be upon him) and said that her
father had married her to a man against her wishes. The Prophet gave her
the right to repudiate the marriage. (Abu Dawud).
Divorced women are
also given freedom to contract a second marriage. The Holy Qur'an
says,
And when you divorce women, and they have come to the end of
their waiting period, hinder them not from marrying other men if they have
agreed with each other in a fair manner. (2: 232)
With regard to
widows, the Qur'an says,
And if any of you die and leave behind
wives, they bequeath thereby to their widows (the right to) one year's
maintenance without their being obliged to leave (their husband's home),
but if they leave (the residence) of their own accord, there is no blame
on you for what they do with themselves in a lawful manner.
(2:234)
Thus widows are also at liberty to re-marry, even within the
period mentioned above; and if they do so they must forgo their claim to
traditional maintenance during the remainder of the year. However, it must
be remembered that the power of ijbar given to the a father or the
guardian by the Maliki school over their selection of life- partner
obtains in all the situations considered above, namely, whether the
daughter or the ward is a virgin or divorcee or
widow.
Prohibited Marriage Partners
Under the Shari'ah,
marriages between men and women standing in a certain relationship to one
another are prohibited. These prohibited degrees are either of a permanent
nature or a temporary. The permanently prohibited degrees of marriage are
laid down in the Holy Qur'an :
And marry not those women whom your
fathers married, except what has already happened (of that nature) in the
past. Lo! it was ever lewdness and abomination, and an evil way. Forbidden
unto you are your mothers and your daughters, and your sisters and your
father's sisters and your mother's sisters, and your brother's daughters
and your sister's daughters, and your foster-mothers and your
foster-sisters, and your mothers-in-law and your step-daughters who are
under your mother-in-law and your step-daughters who are under your
protection (born) of your women unto whom you have gone into -- but if you
have not gone into them, then it is no sin for you (to marry their
daughters) -- and the wives of your sons from your own loins, and that you
should have two sisters together, except what has already happened (of
that nature) in the past. Allah is ever-Forgiving, Merciful. (4:22 -
24)
From the above verses, it is clear that a Muslim must never marry
the following:
His mother
His step-mother (this practice
continues in Yoruba land in Nigeria, where in some cases the eldest son
inherits the youngest wife of his father)
His grandmother (including
father's and mother's mothers and all preceding mothers e.g. great
grandmothers )
His daughter (including granddaughters and beyond )
His sister (whether full, consanguine or uterine)
His father's
sisters (including paternal grandfather's sisters)
His mother's
sisters (including maternal grandmother's sisters)
His brother's
daughters
His foster mother
His foster mother's sister
His
sister's daughter
His foster sister
His wife's mother
His
step-daughter (i.e. a daughter by a former husband of a woman he has
married if the marriage has been consummated. However, if such a marriage
was not consummated, there is no prohibition)
His real son's wife
A great wisdom lies behind these prohibitions on the grounds of
consanguinity, affinity, and fosterage. No social cohesion can exist if
people do not keep these prohibitions in their minds while contracting
marriages.
Temporary prohibitions are those which arise only on account
of certain special circumstances in which the parties are placed. If the
circumstances change, the prohibition also disappears. They are as
follows:
A man must not have two sisters as wives at the same
time nor can he marry a girl and her aunt at the same time.
A man must
not marry a woman who is already married. However this impediment is
removed immediately if the marriage is dissolved either by the death of
her former husband, or by divorce followed by completion of the period of
'iddah (retreat).
A man must not have more than four wives at one
time. This impediment is, of course, removed as soon as one of the wives
dies or is divorced.
A man must not marry a woman during her 'iddah.
Regarding this last prohibition, the Qur'an expects Muslims to act
with the utmost propriety and righteousness. It lays down:
...but
do not make a secret contract with them except in honourable terms, nor
resolve on the tie of marriage till the term prescribed is fulfilled.
(2:235)
This means that a man must not make a specific proposal of
marriage to a woman during the time of her 'iddah after the death of her
husband or an irrevocable divorce. However, he can send a message saying,
for instance, "I wish to find a woman of good character". But if a woman
is in the 'iddah of a divorce which is revocable where raja' (return) is
possible, a man must not send her even an implied invitation to marry him,
because she is still considered as the lawful wife of the first husband.
In fact, this restriction is most beneficial because it prevents a man
from becoming an instrument of breaking up a family where there are still
chances of reconciliation between the wife and husband even though they
are moving away from each other.
Two Suitors Seeking to
Marry the Same Girl
The Prophet (peace be upon him) disapproved of two
persons competing with one another to secure marriage with the same girl.
This is because such a situation is likely to develop bitter enmity
between two Muslim brothers.
The Prophet said,
"A believer
is a brother of a believer. Hence it is not lawful for him to bargain upon
the bargain of a brother, nor propose for (the hand of a girl) after the
marriage proposal of his brother, until the latter (voluntarily) withdraws
the proposal."
Imam Abu Hanifa, Imam Shafi'i, and Imam Malik, all hold
the view that it is a sin to put a proposal of marriage against the
proposal of another Muslim brother. However, if a marriage is contracted
in this wrongful way it will be sufficient if the second suitor who was
successful seeks the forgiveness of the first suitor and of Allah. But
Imam Dhahiri considers such a marriage void. It is respectfully submitted
that the former view is more rational and
sound.
Steve, a hard-working construction site
manager, and Karen, a proud and dedicated stay-at-home mother who is
raising two young children, were married three years ago in the
Midwest.
They seemed like a good match when they were
first married, but they soon started running into problems in their
relationship ... problems that they just couldn't seem to overcome.
Like any couple, Karen and Steve have arguments about small
things ... and those arguments frequently explode into knock-down,
drag-out fights that leave their heads throbbing with anger without either
of them knowing how (or why) it happened.
Each of
them keeps pushing each other emotionally, stubbornly insisting that the
other is wrong and that they need to wake up and smell the coffee and make
some changes.
What's worse is that not only do they
fight about what happened that day, but both Karen and Steve dig up old
issues from the past just to try to make the other person feel bad
(whether they realized it or not).
Karen is
constantly upset and feels isolated and alone because Steve works long
hours and won't spend enough time with her. He just doesn't seem to
pay attention to her needs.
Steve is starting to push
Karen away because it seems like she nags him every day about this and
that as soon as he gets home from a long day of work. So, he has
decided he would just be better if he was alone...
...obviously, for Karen and Steve, communication and understanding each
other's needs are huge issues.
These problems get so
bad that both Steve and Karen quietly think to themselves that the
marriage is a train wreck ready to happen ... that divorce is more likely
every single day ... that all these years they've been together have been
a waste...
...but they both ALSO quietly hope that the
problems will eventually go away because they still love each other and
want to save their marriage ... but they just don't know
how...
They both long for the day when each of them
feels loved, appreciated, needed and understood by the
other.
...the successful couple...
John, a
successful real estate agent, and Mary, a dedicated elementary school
teacher, got married 5 years ago and are from the Southeast.
They also get into arguments from time to time ...
Mary also wishes John would spend more time with her to give her the
attention she deserves ... and John sometimes looks forward to his alone
time away from Mary so he can tend to his own needs...
Despite facing the same issues that Steve and Karen
face, John and Mary always just seem to make things work (or so everyone
thinks; more on that in just a second)...
...they
always seem to be able to resolve their disagreements fairly.
Even though John has a hectic schedule, running from
one appointment to another, he always seems to find some quality time to
spend alone with Mary and he actually listens to her and is considerate of
her needs and makes her feel loved, wanted AND appreciated.
And although Mary sometimes wonders why the heck John
wants some alone time, she never bugs him about it and has accepted that
it is something that he needs to do to wind down in today's crazy,
demanding world.
John is realizes that Mary
appreciates the hard work he does and understands that he needs some time
to unwind ... and his love for her has grown stronger because of
it.
In fact, most of John and Mary's friends wonder
how they stay together:
John and Mary have the same
problems that their friends have, but, surprisingly, they just seem to
have a connection that helps them through their tough times ... almost as
though they've found the key to unlocking the secrets that create a
successful marriage ... they key that so many couples are looking for, but
so few have found.
...And so their friends just keep
wondering...
What is the secret to their successful marriage?
SO, what exactly is it that John and Mary have in
their relationship that keeps them afloat during their tough times that
Steve and Karen do not?
What is it that allows them
to...
...communicate effectively...
...get over past problems...
...connect emotionally...
...have trust in each
other...
...give each other the attention they
needed...
...and create a lasting love in their
relationship?
Could it be...
...a special connection that they were born with?
...simply fate that had brought them together?
...or
are they just lucky to still be together?
Actually,
it is none of the above.
Here's what happened...
John and Mary have learned how to have a fulfilling
marriage, but it has taken some time and it hasn't come naturally.
In fact, a while ago, they almost got divorced...
...that is until John discovered the secret that
allowed him to save the marriage...
...the secret
that allowed him to stop the divorce that he thought Mary was going to
insist on (and that he might eventually ask for himself if things didn't
get better), even though he initially had no help from Mary at all...
...the secret that even Mary soon stumbled on to and
started using with remarkable success, (although at first she didn't even
realize it)...
...the secret that showed John that
his situation wasn't hopeless and unique and that there was a solution to
the problems in his marriage...
...the secret that
finally gave both John and Mary hope that their marriage WAS worth
saving...
We'll get to the secret that they both
discovered in just a second, but first, we want to share with you...
Where this marriage-saving secret
was discovered...
Hello, this is Jeff Radich and Marc Stockman,
co-directors of research at Made Remarkably Simple
Publishing.
We were recently fortunate enough to convince
three remarkably successful professional marriage counseling experts to
share with us something very special...
...the
techniques that they've been using for literally decades to help save
virtually thousands of marriages from divorce.
Although a marriage or relationship IS a very difficult subject because
there are so many variables involved -- not to mention emotions (and we
all know how complex THOSE can be) -- we were shocked at how remarkably
simple some of the things we discovered were.
A shocking
surprise...
For instance, even though each of these
marriage counselors practices independently (they didn't know each other
before this project), when we sifted through all of our findings, we
discovered that there was one simple technique that they all used that was
remarkably effective at saving a marriage or
relationship.
And the best part was that even if only
one person in the relationship seemed to want to save it -- or would even
try -- this technique would still work.
Not
surprisingly, this is the same technique that John and Mary have used to
save their marriage, even though they both had been depressed at the
thought the relationship was doomed.
Why you deserve to know
about this secret...
Unfortunately, once we
discovered this secret, we knew immediately that most people had no clue
about this technique ... and that got us a little ticked
off.
This idea is so stunningly simple and easy to
use, that it makes no sense why more people don't know about
it.
After all, why should some relationships prosper
with love and romance while other fail so miserably?
Why should some couples be forced to repeatedly make the same stupid
relationship mistakes over and over, just like Steve and Karen
do?
Why should only a select few couples like John and
Mary have the ability to reach a level of love, understand, appreciation
and respect that sustains them through the tough
times?
And why should so many marriages end in divorce
when they don't have to?
Well, after defiantly posing
these questions back to the marriage counselors who we worked with, the
answer they gave back to us was simple:
Most people have never been
taught
how to have a successful relationship!
Yep,
it's really that simple.
At first, we didn't think
something as simple as THAT could be the reason.
But
after we learned a little more, a light went off in our heads and we
suddenly realized they were right.
Think about this
for a second.
You spent years as a child in school
taking all sorts of classes on math, history, English,
etc.
You also spent countless hours with your parents,
friends, relatives, co-workers and business associates talking about all
sorts of things.
But did anyone EVER once try to teach
you what it takes to have a successful relationship?
If your lives are anything like ours (we are about as normal as it gets),
then the answer to that is a resounding NO!
Sure,
we've ALL had the occasional two-minute conversation where someone dumped
a ton of advice on us about how to handle a relationship problem, but that
advice usually didn't make much sense or really didn't apply to our own
situation.
And if it worked, it only did so for a
short while and then things got ugly again quickly.
Or
maybe you knew of a couple who always seemed to be able to make things
work -- they always enjoyed each other's company, seemed totally in love
and gave each other the attention that they needed ... you know the type
we are talking about, we've all known a couple like
that.
But every time you tried to figure out how they
did it so you could have that same type of love, respect and even romance
in your relationship, you just couldn't seem to put your finger on it to
make it work for your own situation.
But you have just as much of a
right to
this secret as anyone else does...
Well,
just like death and taxes, relationships are inevitable; but unlike death
and taxes, relationships and marriage are supposed to be a good thing,
aren't they?
Marriages are supposed to make us feel loved,
wanted and appreciated by someone who understands us.
Well,
we certainly think so.
And since we earn a living sharing
helpful information and advice with other people, that's exactly what
we've decided to do right now...
...share this
information with you so you too can discover how to save your own marriage
or relationship, just like John and Mary have.
And the
reason why we are sharing this is simple: because there is no reason
why this secret should be kept from YOU.
You are a
human being too with just as much right to this information as everyone
else.
All of our lives are filled with the potential
for loving relationships -- husband and wife, boyfriend and girlfriend,
father and daughter, mother and son, brother and sister,
etc.
So if we don't figure out sooner or later how to
have a successful relationship like John and Mary have, we'll quickly find
ourselves all alone, sad and depressed with nobody to turn to in our times
of need (just like Steve and Karen).
And we ALL have
our times of need don't we?
Before we share with you
how you too can save your marriage or relationship (the secret that John
and Mary discovered), it is important for you to understand
exactly...
The reason why most marriages and relationships fail...
Did you know that according to the Census Bureau, in
2002, 50% of marriages started that year are likely to end in divorce if
historical trends continue?
If that figure surprises
you, it shouldn't.
Just think how many divorced
couples you know ... how many of your friends have had failed
relationships ... or maybe even how many failed relationships you have had
yourself (and we shouldn't beat ourselves up about that, we are all humans
and those things just sometimes happen).
It's silly
to think that it is just mere coincidence that THAT many people have
failed relationships ... and continue to have them despite seemingly
trying everything to fix the problems.
There must be
something that we as humans do consistently wrong that drives other people
away.
And conversely, there must be something that
the other 50% of happily married people are doing right (or at least
partially right, since there is NO such thing as a perfect marriage)
either by choice because someone has taught them ... or maybe it's just by
sheer luck.
Well, the answer is actually fairly
straight-forward:
We are all selfish by nature...
That's right, we are all naturally concerned about
ourselves first and foremost.
And despite what you
may be thinking, that's not necessarily a bad thing.
We actually need to be concerned about ourselves first so we can survive
-- so we can make enough money to put food on the table, so if we
physically injure ourselves we can quickly focus on the injury and seek
out help, so if we are thirsty we find something to drink, etc.
As you can see, THAT selfishness helps us survive.
BUT, that selfishness ALSO gets us into big trouble.
If we are always thinking about ourselves and our own
needs, that means we are NOT thinking about other people and their needs.
When you are by yourself, that might be ok.
But when you are in a relationship, that, not
surprisingly, is a recipe for disaster.
Please read on
as we explain why this is important to your relationship, as we tell you a
story about a real couple who was having a very serious problem
communicating and connecting emotionally who was finally able to find some
help from one of the marriage counselors we consulted
with...
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